Remember when I said this blog would have all the emotions? I am going through all the emotions right now. Up, down, up, down; like I am on a rollercoaster.
The kids were removed yesterday. It was not how I expected it to happen. I dropped them off for school and found out at noon time that they were being relocated and not coming back to my house. No packing. No goodbyes. Nothing.
I feel relieved they are gone; I feel guilty that I feel relieved; I feel guilty because I requested their removal but angry over how they were removed; I feel sad that the children had to be split up; and happy that they are going to get the specialized and individual care that they need.
Yesterday when it all happened, I was numb. It just didn't seem real, even as I was packing up the kids clothes and toys. Today, it hit hard. I have been a mess, crying all day just about.
I am hoping to just take some time and re-evaluate things. I do not think a first placement of three kids was right for me. Start out with one kid next time. Yes, there will be a next time. I want to continue fostering but after this experience, I am going to take a breather, re-center myself, and truly look into what I now know I can and cannot handle.
This is all I have for now. I just.....it is hard. I knew it would be but this is the first time it has really hit me this way.